Assassination on the Avon (or, what happens when you mix Shakespeare and racism...)
Once upon a time, there was a young Baptist by the name of Elizabeth 'Lil Flo' Morris. She was a racist. One day, the leaders of the Something Special division of the KKK (which she belonged to) heard of an outing which had originally been envisioned as a trip for those with a passion for Shakespeare, and they gave her an important mission - to feign an interest in "English", commandeer the trip, and use it as an opportunity to slay some ethnic minorities in England.
She jumped at the chance!
Which is how, a few months later, she found herself inside a cramped minibus, surrounded by mortals with high-vis coats and loud voices. It's a good job they were all white, or she'd have had to slaughter them all!
As it was, she tricked two of them into going the wrong way in the airport, so they got shouted at for not sticking with the group, and stole the boarding pass of another, causing her to have a mental breakdown. Really, they deserved it - they just weren't racist enough!
She decided to keep a low profile for the next day, though - she joined the rest dressing up in the church creche as though she was a child-in-a-teenager's-body just like them, as opposed to the Racist-Old-Woman-in-a-teenager's-body she really was. Soon afterwards, upon learning that he-who-has-more-life-experience-than-you was bringing friends to their secret meeting the next day, the woman with a dragon tattoo had a spaz fit the likes of which has never been seen since Claudia discovered it was legal for her to marry an Asian. ("Interracial marriage?! I'll have to deal with these warped ideas of hers later," the racist had thought to herself on that occasion.)
That night, they attended King Lear. First of all, Elizameth did not approve of this bird that had suddenly appeared in the hair of she-who-likes-Asia; the entire purpose of buying her wondrous new English mousse was so that she could become the first woman to create a nest out of hair! But alas, apparently it was not meant to be.
She scorned the play. Didn't these people know that being racist made you immortal?! (Well, at least in the sense that you would be known for all of eternity as the Racist One.) Honestly, the smell of their mortality was not "Yummy", it made her feel sick!
The third day, she found her target! Although his real name was Dharmesh, it would have been beneath her to actually REMEMBER it, so she nicknamed him Rashmeed Curry. Much easier to remember! However, instead of being able to assassinate him straight after Hamlet like she had intended, she had to wait until after the interview with the almighty Jonjo, since he attended it as well. And then Dharshmeed or whatever his name was decided he wanted to steal a ring from her poor, unsuspecting friend! (At least, that's what the curly-haired racist told herself - see how warped and twisted her mind is?!) She would have to wait, then. Wait until after this "Romeo and Juliet" (that was Shakespeare, right? She was fairly sure it wasn't maths) to take him out. No, not on a date!
She began wondering if she should have just set her sights on the manly-looking black woman. But then, she reasoned, the boys in the group would be angry with her for killing the love of their lives... no, best to stick with Dhrashmeed.
The fourth day, during a visit to Warwick Castle, she was constantly planning how she could pull off the assassination. Maybe she could steal one of those ancient swords... No, it would be too awkward to bring back on the train. Besides, her bare hands and vicious nature had never failed her before! She was overthinking it, she decided, it'd be fine!
She did get some ideas from the torture chambers, though.
And that night, after Romeo and Juliet, her target entered the Dirty Duck, and she immediately went into Assassination Mode. He handed Claudia back her ring (Lil' Flo made a mental note to avoid touching said ring at all costs from now on, just on the offchance that it turned her black or something), and left... the Racist One followed him, sneaking out without anyone else noticing. She tiptoed up behind him, and was just about to deal the fatal blow, when someone came around the corner! It was Mr Cowan, out for a run!
Cursing his bad timing, she slunk back to the pub to drown her sorrows with some Sprite laced with alcohol. Never before had she failed so miserably!
On the final day, she started working off her hangover by turning her body into a human right angle through many cartwheels. According to the laws of physics, this spilts up all of the alcohol molecules in the bloodstream due to the corresponding anatomical split, so it greatly eased the pain. (The pain in her heart of ice - not of stone, because it's less white - that she hadn't been able to slay Rashmeed was still there, though.)
She worked off some more of the hangover through vigorous rowing, while laughing at the pathetic attempts of all others to manouvre the boats - KKK training meant she had rowed the whole way up the Nile, so this was a piece of cake in comparison! The others were so feeble, honestly!
Her depression returned when they boarded the plane that would bring them home. She had failed in her mission - Dharmesh lived! And what was worse, from a few whispered comments that she overheard on the minibus home, the others were starting to suspect her innate racism! So not only had she lost her lethal edge, but her reputation as a non-racist was at stake...
She returned to Something Special with a heavy heart. Upon relaying the tale to her superiors, they kicked her out of the KKK. She was so depressed after that, she ended up renouncing her racist ways and marrying Dharmesh, though she could never remember his name and ended up calling him Rashmeed. And they all lived happily ever after!
THE END
